With Scars That Sparkle

Atelophobia is the fear of not being good enough. And if you are anything close to human, I’m sure you have wrestled with this fear at some point in your lifetime. The idea of being alone and rejected from society is one of the leading reasons why we function in the manner that we do. 

But it isn’t our fault.

From the time we are young, the world has told us to hide what we don’t like about ourselves. It has told us to hide our fears and imperfections. 

But why?

To be universally accepted…to be considered beautiful or strong by others.  

But is beauty or strength really rooted in hiding?

If you hide your imperfections, are you truly beautiful? 

If you hide and suppress the issues of your past mistakes, are you really strong?

I know I’m not the only one who spends so much time trying to be someone else.

I want others to see me as a strong, beautiful woman. But I have been going about it all the wrong way. I have been hiding. I have been hiding the real me. 

Why?

In all honesty, it’s because I don’t like the real me. The real me is a woman that has depression, anxiety, and an anything but clean past record. Why would I EVER want to reveal her to others? If I don’t like myself how can I expect others to like me?

I’d like to share a story with you.

About five months ago I was struggling with my anxiety and depression among many other things and I got to a point where I was fed up. I was done struggling with myself and I was ready to give up on everything. I wanted to drop off of the face of the earth. I figured, who could ever love someone like me? Who would ever be able to love someone with a past like mine? With panic attacks or with depression? Who really in their right mind would ever want to tolerate me for the rest of their lives? I was suffering every day without a purpose. I would wake up, have a panic attack and spend the rest of the day upset with myself and depressed because I feared that no one would love me. I remember asking, “God…where are you?” all day long and still feeling totally alone. I honestly felt like I was dying. So one morning I got up and I dragged myself to a church to meet with one of my favorite priests to tell him that I was leaving.

“Father, I came to tell you that I’m leaving.”

“Where will you be going?”

“Just away from here. I can’t be around people anymore, no one will love me as myself and I don’t want to pretend anymore. I feel like I’m dying.”

“Dying, huh? Let’s sit and have a chat.”

We sat and talked and I told him everything and then he asked me what I thought would be a solution to all of this.

“Father, I need anointing of the sick because I am dying.” (Meanwhile in my head I was thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, did I just say that???’)

“Okay. I agree. Meet me back here tomorrow and you will receive the sacrament.”

Anointing of the sick is usually a sacrament given to those who are deathly ill and is uncommonly given to those who aren't a few days from death's door.

 I was excited, yet scared —but I went ahead and met with him the next day and received the sacrament. 

That is when everything changed.

By the grace of God, I was able to see my struggles as strengths. My strength was not rooted in hiding those struggles, but in utilizing them to better the world around me. It was NEVER about me. The ways in which we suffer are never only about us. It is about the community around us.

 I will use anxiety and depression as my two examples. My anxiety, although it is a huge burden in MY life, it has been a blessing to those around me. I have high levels of adrenaline in my body because of my anxiety—allowing me to get multiple jobs done faster and more efficiently for others compared to if I did not have anxiety to give me that extra boost. My depression wears me down every day, but it allows me to connect with others that also have depression in a special way. I have been in their shoes before so it’s easier for me to really understand when they share their struggles with me. I can offer them practical advice that I have tried before and let them know that they are not alone in the struggle with depression.

How do you live as truly you?

It requires you to befriend your true self and to bring your true self home. This is a true act of courage because in bringing your true self home, it will require you to also befriend your imperfections. A task that is mountain-high for many of us. But when you begin to recognize that your imperfections can become your strengths, it will allow you to bring authentic beauty into the world. As we begin to recognize our imperfections and discover how to use them for good or to assist others in this life, a seed of beauty is planted in our hearts. As we begin to grow and learn in this life, that seed grows. We become more beautiful and the fruit that we bear from that plant is love. Then, that love takes our imperfections and triumphs over them transforming them into strengths. Once that seed is planted, we begin to radiate love and beauty because our imperfections become our strengths instead of burdens. 

 As we recognize our weaknesses and triumph over them, our hearts are transformed. When you discover that your true self is good and beautiful, you will discover Jesus in you. I did not feel Jesus in those times of suffering because I was suppressing and denying my imperfections in a battle with myself. 

Where you are most human and the weakest, there, Jesus lives. 

 That is where you will find Him, and when you bring your true self home, you bring Jesus home.

The greatest act of strength and beauty is to be and own all that you are.

Without apology.

Without excuses.

Without any masks to cover the truth of who you are.

I challenge you to bring your brokenness and not to hide or suppress what you consider to be your imperfections. As you begin to befriend your WHOLE self (including your imperfections) you will find that life will get MUCH easier and much more meaningful. 

When you live each day knowing that 

the scars that you carry around on your heart are diamonds, 

life has a different meaning.

Love Always, 

Coco

A Thank-You to My Exes.

If any of you have been there for the anguish that my exes have caused me, you were probably a little confused as to why exactly I am extending a public thank-you to them. As if the countless number of break-ups, tears, break-downs, and nights when I forced my friends to watch all the Men in Black movies (it’s my go to sad-time movie) with me weren’t enough to make me want to forget every failed relationship that I’ve ever had…

Yet here I am.

Dear ex-boyfriends,

Thank you for failing me. Thank you for treating me in ways that I didn’t deserve to be treated. Most importantly, thank you for showing me how human you are.

Love Always, Coco

My past relationships failed for various reasons but to put it simply- it usually involved the shortcomings of both parties that led to the end of most of them. I could sit here and bash my exes, but that would be absolutely ridiculous. So if you clicked on this blog expecting that, I’m sure Buzzfeed has something you can occupy your mind with.

As for the rest of you, let’s chat.

Why on earth am I thanking these men?

Because their failures helped bring me to the most treasured part of my life. Their failures as men (and as human beings in general) helped me grow and get to a point in my life where I came to a HUGE realization that impacted my entire future.

There were countless nights where I cried myself to sleep over these guys, wishing that heart-ache wouldn’t hurt so bad. If you’re anything like me, then you know what I’m talking about when I say that I “thought they were the one.” They weren’t. But what girl wouldn’t desire a man (I’m talking about a REAL man) to pursue her? That was my issue. I wanted to be desirable. I wanted to be pursued so I was willing to do anything to make these guys WANT to pursue me. I guess you could say I was “thirsty.”

Here’s the real kicker though: I was already being pursued. I was being pursued that entire time. But I was too blind to see it. I had love-drunk glasses on and I was headed in the wrong direction. Each relationship brought me through a roller coaster of emotions. It went from fighting to love to bliss to hate… my relationships were all over the place.

Was there something wrong with me? Was I not desirable?

It wasn’t until recently that I jumped off of my relationship roller coaster and landed on the ground that I REALLY had a taste of reality. I didn’t ever want to get back on that roller coaster. But I knew that I was missing something. So I started searching.

I searched through the rubble of my past relationships, through the memories that now broke my heart, and through the pain of my past mistakes. That’s when I found it.

My treasured space.

It’s a spot in my heart that nothing else can fill, no man can degrade it, no past mistake can destroy it… it’s originally and perfectly mine.

This spot is where Jesus resides.

Can you believe it took me years to find this place? But now it is my treasured spot. The part of my heart that is in constant communication with Jesus.

How did I find it? I listened. It took me a long time to figure out what I was missing, that this emptiness that I had been feeling and this desire to be loved and pursued by someone were the result of not seeing the One that had been there all along. Jesus was pursuing me, every day, every hour, every moment. But I was too concerned about finding “the one” to see that THE ONLY ONE I NEEDED was right beside me the entire time.

So what on earth do my past relationships have to do with Jesus?

My past relationships helped to perfect my relationship with Jesus.

I’m sorry. What, come again???

You heard me.

The failures of my past relationships brought me closer to Jesus. The ways in which those men failed me helped me to come to the realization that Jesus is PERFECT. All of the pain that my past relationships caused me brought me to what I call my treasure. Because falling in love with Jesus and having a relationship with Him IS the most treasured part of my life. Nothing brings me greater joy or satisfaction in this world than knowing that I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me. I never have to wonder if the love we share is mutual, I never have to read into his text messages to see if He's interested or not. I KNOW Jesus is interested in me. The Bible is literally Jesus's love letter to me, and to ALL OF US!

Jesus satisfies my heart in a way that no being on earth will ever be capable of, which is why I suggest that we all strive to make Him our Lover. I used a capital L because while boyfriends may come and go, Jesus will always be my number one man. While I may have other "lovers" (as weird as that sounds), Jesus is my permanent Love. But I can't brag about MY love for Jesus, because I fail Him every day. I'm not even close to perfect, but thankfully I learn something new every day in my relationship with Jesus. YES. I SAID RELATIONSHIP.

Having faith is a relationship. If you love someone you’re going to want to communicate with them, spend time with them, and share a huge part of your life with them. Now think about how much you love Jesus… uhh, wouldn’t you want to do all of that stuff with Him, too? Religion isn’t a “just on Sunday” sort of a thing—it’s an every moment thing.

So would I go back and change anything in those relationships?

Of course. I wish I would have led those guys closer to God and challenged them to be men. But thankfully God can turn anything broken into something beautiful. He’s working on those men because I know He hears my prayers for them every day. Besides, if He can transform and heal a woman that is as stubborn as I am, then I can say with full confidence that nothing is impossible for Him.

If you’re someone who is suffering from guilt of past relationships or just from your past in general, give it to Jesus. Don’t starve yourself from the love and freedom that comes with surrendering your past to God. I promise you that it is amazing. And I challenge you to try to see the positive in your past. Think about where God was in all of those moments, maybe in all of those failed relationships, or those late night mistakes. I want you to think about any positive outcome that may have come out of it. Even if it’s just simply that you learned from your mistakes.

Thank your exes. Leave the past behind. The future is full of love that will set you free.

The Checklist

I've known countless girls that have taken pen and paper and written checklists full of qualities for their future spouse. It seems like a fun way to imagine who your future spouse may be...but unfortunately, that's not the case.

I had heard about these man-checklists from a few of my friends that suggested I write it after a had gone through a bad breakup.

It was therapeutic at first but then things got a bit out of hand. Before I knew it, my list was almost 3 pages of qualities that my future husband needed to have. I even had his hair and eye color picked out.

So, after months of searching, I found a guy that fit almost every quality on my list. I thought my search was over and I could hear the wedding bells in the future before I even know how to spell his last name.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us and I landed flat on my face. My "prince charming" rode off on his horse and I was ready to call the local animal shelter to start adopting cats for my doomed future.

Soon, my hope was restored and I found another guy that matched even MORE of the qualities on my list.  But it lasted for only a short period of time until, once again, things didn't work out with this guy either.

I think after that week some of the entries in my journal sounded like this;

"Dear Diary,

Today my boyfriend and I broke up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Also, God if you can read this- make sure You look at my checklist. 

Love, Coco"

I was pretty upset with God, if you couldn't tell. Why on earth would a loving God have brought me to a place in my life where I would have to suffer heart-ache? Wouldn't the God of the universe, who loved me more than anything, want to give His beloved daughter her heart's desire? Does He really want me to have cats?

Clearly, God didn't read my list- and I was ticked off.

After weeks of ice cream, boxes of tissues, and lots of praying- things became clear to me.

I had my heart broken, but I had been breaking God's heart all along.

I was looking to this list as hope for my future instead of looking to the One who was writing my love story. God already knew that i mistakenly thought that getting married would be my ultimate satisfaction in life.

The world has tricked us into believing that getting married and having a successful career should our main goal in life, while in actuality- heaven should be our main goal.

Sometimes we need to be patient and to let God have control.(Two things I really have trouble with) That doesn't mean we should make ourselves miserable in the meantime while waiting for our future spouse to come along. We need to be confident that God knows what He is doing.

In addition to that, keep in mind that no man or woman will ever be able to meet all of their spouses needs - that's God's job. If you start to depend on your future spouse or significant other as if they are God, I can promise that you will be severely disappointed. It's also really not fair to the other person to put all of that pressure on them. God is available to talk to all of the time plus He is compassionate, loving, and forgiving ALL of the time! You can't expect another human being to be God for you! It's impossible!

Marriage or having a boyfriend is not what gives meaning or worth to your life. It is not "the end" or the ultimate satisfying moment. That moment comes when you get to be with God in heaven. In marriage, both spouses help one another to get to heaven through love. So why wouldn't you want your spouse to be the one that God picked for you instead of the one that you imagined to be the perfect one in your head?

I don't know about you but I can hardly pick out what flavor chap-stick I want in Walmart without having a mental breakdown. Can you imagine me trying to choose my future spouse without some Divine assistance? With that said, I think it's best that we leave our love story to be written by the One who has it all planned out and perfectly timed.

Unfortunately, my cherished checklist warped my mind into thinking that it was normal to objectify men. 

I mean all my other friends were doing it, right?

Without realizing it, I had reduced men to a mere list of qualities. I used my checklist in the same manner that I would go shopping in a grocery store. Bread, milk, and eggs? More like tall, dark, and handsome.

The only difference was that my goal was a diamond ring and not the checkout line.

Making a checklist for your boyfriend or future spouse objectifies men and reduces them to parts/qualities. Shallow, right? After making my checklist, I started to see men as a list of qualities instead of as the wonderful creations that they are. I was so concerned with finding "The chosen one" that I was missing out on memorable friendships because I didn't want to have anything to do with guys that I knew I wouldn't want to marry in the future. Sad, right? But can you blame me? 

Sometimes we forget that men have so much more to offer than just a marriage relationship. They can be wonderful friends, listeners, and just overall awesome! 

I don't want to confuse anyone so I want to make a point that having a checklist is very different from having standards. Having standards would be like not eating out of the dumpster because you know it is not good for you. It can also be compared to not buying broken eggs at the store. Standards are what keep you from settling for anything less than what you know you deserve. When you have standards you'll find that boys will disappear but men will step up to meet those standards.

For example;

Standards: Strong in the faith, has the same morals as me, chaste, is a gentleman, in the process of/wants to get a degree, sees my value and worth, treats me with respect,  ...ect.

Checklist: likes vanilla ice cream, likes the same TV shows as me, really handsome, has a 6-pack of abs, has green eyes, likes to play video games, likes dogs

Standards allow you to find a good and whole some person that you would be interested in giving a chance. 

After this realization, I burned my checklist and stuck to my standards that were on my heart. And ya know what?

 I'll never make another checklist for my future spouse. I had idolized my precious checklist instead of letting God's plan be revealed slowly to me. It was a mistake, but the best thing about life is that we have time to learn from our mistakes. And God can make us new. You just need to ask.

I am FAR from perfect, and I'd like to share with you a prayer that I pray daily in hopes that if you need to be made new, you'll create your own personalized prayer. (Or you can just use this one)

"God, I've made some mistakes lately. But I know that you can turn my scars into diamonds and my ashes into something beautiful. Teach me how to love You more. Lead me to You and make me new. Amen."

I hate my body.

I can sit in a room full of girls and easily tell each and every one of them that they are all beautiful, perfect, and that God loves them.

Recently, I tried saying the same thing to myself in the mirror. Just to see if I would believe it...and i didn't.

I hear it all of the time. But do I REALLY believe it?

Honestly, I don't.

"Coco, you look gorgeous today!"

"Thank you."

I'll take the compliment, but do I believe it? Do I know just how beautiful I am?

I was trying to think about how long I haven't thought of myself as beautiful and I couldn't remember until one night  my ten year old sister asked me a question.

She tiptoed into my room with her head hung low, "Coco?" She looked down at her feet.
"Yes Gabby?"
Then she glanced back up at me, "Am I fat?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well ya know. Fat. Ugly. Am I ugly?" Her eyes welled up with tears.
"What?? Of course not Gabby! You are so beautiful! Why would you think you were fat?"
"Because I don't look like the other girls at school. Everyone likes them. They're skinny and pretty. I'm just...well I'm just Gabby."

It broke my heart. My sister was suffering from the same thoughts that I was suffering with. 

Am I beautiful?

Am I worth being pursued?

Am I loved?

Am I pretty?

What the media portrays as beautiful is impossible to live up to...because it's altered by a computer.

And by comparing ourselves to the other women around us- it's like we are covering ourselves in mud and wondering why we are dirty.

I was always too fat, too skinny, too tall, too curvy, too funny, too serious.... I was never just me. I've spent most of my life taking the critiques that other people give me and trying to make myself perfect.

"Coco, sometimes I think that you need to be a little more serious."

Oh okay, I'll work on that. But then weeks down the road another person says,

"Coco, sometimes I think you need to loosen up."

But...I just...I...

Instead of trying to be myself I ended up trying to make myself into a person that people would prefer.

Every time I went out to eat with my friends, I would glance around at the girls at other tables.

I wish I had her pretty blue eyes, the blonde girl's hair, her smile, that skinny girl's figure, that funny personality...

I started playing this game everywhere that I went. I wanted to take all of the perfect pieces of all of these other girls and make myself into this super-woman. Then I would be happy, right?

However, the only thing that I could think about during those years of me trying to piece together this super-woman over this woman that God had already created was that I hated myself.

I hated my body.

I hated the way my face looked.

I hated my personality.

I hated my skin, hair, and eye color.

How could I love myself when I never could BE myself? The world was always asking me to change! 

I was never happy trying to make everyone else happy.

Recently, I was sitting in my room and I began to think about all of the things that I liked about myself and I said them out loud. Now, I'm sure it sounds conceited- but when you've spent years worrying about what everyone else thought- it was entirely strange to ask myself what I thought.

It started out pretty vague.

"I think my hair is nice."

"my teeth are clean."

Now I was just stating the obvious..really? My teeth are clean? But what about them makes them special and totally uniquely MY teeth? What do I like about them?

"I like how white and straight my teeth are. I like the way I smile."

Boom. There it was. That was probably the nicest thing I had said to myself in years.

"I like the way I smile."

YES! PROGRESS!

It inspired me to keep going and I ended up writing them down as I went.

Needless to say, I was crying. I was shaking too. I was finally liking stuff about myself, and it felt...really good.

So, I continued extensively, all the way to my organs!

"I like the way my heart beats. I like how big my heart is and how many people fill it up. My favorite spot is the one that God hangs out in."

Soon, I finished the list. I felt alive, I felt new... I FELT FREE! 

But did that cure me of my thoughts forever? Unfortunately not. 

Occasionally, I get really down on myself (as do many other girls all over the world).

It isn't easy to overcome these sort of thoughts. You have to take baby steps. But every time I start feeling down or it's that time of the month and my pants don't fit which puts into a crying rampage- I stop and think of the things I like about myself. 

Pieces of me that are unique, unlike anything that any other girl has and I say that I like those things. 

Now, I am concentrating on saying that I LOVE those things. Which has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life because it brings up so much insecurity and pain that has been held in for all of these years. It's like this painful Pandora's box of feelings that are really difficult to cope with. Truthfully, I wish I could just bury those feelings and keep painting a smile on my face...but I can't. My insecurities are silent at times, but at other times they can affect my relationships with friends or family. So I'm working on it. 

I'm working on being confident, I'm working on my list, and I'm working on believing that I'm beautiful.

But you know what the best part is? 

I know that God is by my side working on all of those things too. When stuff is too painful for me to deal with at the moment- I give it to Him.

"Dad, I can't take this right now. I'm not strong enough to sort through this just yet...can you hold it for awhile until I'm ready?"

When He knows that I am ready, He gives it back. But even if I break down into tears and I just can't see myself overcoming something-He's still there to work me through it. Step by step.

And I know that He will turn my scars into diamonds.

Not only that, but when God made me- He made me special. I know what you're thinking "He made EVERYONE SPECIAL which doesn't really make you that special."

No, it still makes me just as special plus it's amazing that everyone is totally unique.

When God made me, He crafted me in the palm of His hand with SO much love! And He didn't just say "This is good." Like He did when he made the plants and the flowers and the world, but He said "This is VERY good."

Me? VERY good? Not even just regular 'ole good? 

Go and look at all of the beautiful nature outside when you get the chance. Pick a flower and jut look at it. Think of all of the beautiful things about that flower. The delicate petals, the color, the smell, the way it dances in the wind. Then remember that God said that that beautiful, perfect flower was good. 

But YOU. Psh. YOU ARE VERY GOOD!

So maybe you're thinking that if you make a list you will think that you're beautiful and REALLY believe it?

You might. So try it. It's something that I can absolutely recommend. But be patient with yourself! Do not expect to believe that you are beautiful the next day. (but if you do- PRAISE GOD!)

That wasn't my case. I've been working on this for several years, but everyday it gets better. 

Another piece of advice that I can give you is to stop pleasing other people. Which is very difficult because it is in our human nature to want to be loved, to fit in, to feel included. So many people desire that!

But when you begin to compromise your originality and your own thoughts to become like someone else, you begin to lose who you really are.

So fill yourself up with good thoughts. YOUR thoughts. Stick post-it notes all over the place that will remind you how beautiful and special you are. Put them in your bathroom, in the car, on your dog, where ever! Or you can have a close friend do it so you're surprised. 

Work through that insecurity and pain, be patient, and remember that it's between you and God.

I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

Courage

You wake up in the morning, groggy. You wipe your eyes with your hands, stand up, and proceed in the direction of the bathroom. You catch a glance at the mirror hanging on the wall. You hardly recognize yourself. Ever since...well ya know. 

But sex is just apart of growing up- right? You're an adult when you have sex, right? 

Still looking in the mirror you hear a little voice whisper in your heart, 

"What have you done?"

You turn away from the mirror, unable to even look at yourself. 

"What have you done?"

I mean you both said it was okay...you just got lost in the heat of the moment...

"What have you done?"

You can't take it anymore. You rush into the bathroom, plug your i-pod into the speakers on the counter and turn the volume all the way up. There. That'll quiet that whisper you keep hearing.

You turn on the shower in an attempt to wash yourself of your mistakes. 

But no matter how many showers you take- that same feeling and pain never goes away.

You still wake up feeling dirty.

What if the shame of past mistakes never stop?

"After I lost my virginity I didn't respect myself, and one empty relationship led to another. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted the perfect love, but after all I had done I thought I was the last person on earth to deserve it. Eventually, I realized that finding a good guy wasn't a matter of luck. After starting over, I raised my standards, and made a commitment to chastity. Now, three years later-and engaged- I haven't regretted a day since." - Crystal Evert

So what happens next? Is it too late? Is your brain permanently molded and there is no hope for a happy future? Unfortunately, no one can change what has happened in the past. What's done is done. But regardless of what happened last week or last year, you are still worth waiting for. Maybe you lost your virginity or maybe it was taken from you, either way you still have yourself to give.

It's time to start a new chapter. 

1. Reclaim your virginity.

This is sometimes called "secondary virginity" and can be done by changing your behavior and setting new standards in future relationships. It is more than just saying "no" to sex. It includes changing your entire lifestyle. And trust me, a lot of people will be shocked by such a change. However, in the long run, it will be worth it. By making the choice to wait until you are married to have sex, you are saying YES to love and you're thinking about your future husband. Another option with secondary virginity which I personally am a fan of is buying a white candle. It sounds sort of cheesy but you can give the white candle to your husband on your wedding night to show that you may not be a virgin, or entirely pure- but at some point in your life, you starting thinking about him and chose to make a change in your life for him. 

Most importantly, in your heart- forgive those who have hurt you and forgive yourself! 

2. Avoid difficult situations

This could mean avoiding a party or group of people that are involved in sexual activity. I know it sounds sort of harsh but once you make the decision to stay a virgin, it will be very tempting to fall back into those old patterns. So it is very important that you surround yourself with people who will help you with your decision instead of trying to tempt you back to your old ways. Be sure to find supportive and loving friends who will remind you of the new goal that you have made. 

3. Work through your past

I understand that many young girls and guys may not have chosen to give up their virginity and instead it was taken from them. Scenarios like those absolutely break my heart and tears me to pieces. So for those of you who are reading this and that is your pain that you carry with you daily- know that there is hope. You may be left with the painful psychological scars of sexual abuse or manipulation and are working to try to become whole again and i applaud you. It is all about working through the past and looking, with your chin up, to the future. 

Please understand that none of these scenarios have an easy button. None of them are easy. It is not easy to change yourself, and the path will be very difficult. 

However, if you want love to be as good as it gets- you have to persevere. You have everything to gain, and you will have NO more regrets. You know why?

It's because purity knows no regrets.

In an age where it seems that everything is pointed towards instant gratification- chastity proclaims a challenge of sacrifice and patience. Plus, God would never call us to a lifestyle that was impossible. He gives us the grace to live it out! 

The devil promises much but gives nothing. 

So turn away from what the world promises you- because those promises are all empty and will never make you feel whole. 

Most importantly, living purity will heal your past. 

So, in closing, I challenge you to have the courage to change your life now. YES! TODAY! Think about your future wife or husband and make a change. I would never want to bring myself to the man that I love and give him the scraps or my purity that every guy that I had been with had their way with. When you love someone you want to give them the BEST of everything- including yourself.

If you have any questions or comments- don't hesitate to e-mail me at mycupofcoco@gmail.com

Baggage Claim

No. No. No. Nope. Don't. Never. No.

That's all you hear.

Don't have sex. Wait until you're married. Conceal. Don't feel. 

Push all of your sexual desires down forever and ever amen.

But why?

Some big bad church is going to tell me that I can't have sex? 

Like that'll make me listen.

"Why not? I wore a condom. She said she wanted to. We're old enough and smart enough to make decisions for ourselves. I'm not a kid anymore."- Ryan, 16

In High School, I didn't understand. I was angry with church teachings about sex. I felt like the church was preventing me from being free, that they wanted to take away my freedom. 

Little did I know that my constant questioning of church teachings would lead me to stumble upon book after book talking about the SCIENCE of sex.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

What I began to read wasn't anything that I had heard before. 

They didn't tell me that sex could never be safe scientifically. 

Condoms? birth control? 

You can't use those on your brain.

(They also don't make condoms for your soul, but we can discuss that at a different time)

This information I began to collect rocked my soul to the core.

First of all, let's take a look at the brain. 

Your brain is the largest and most important sex organ of the body. 

WOAH WHAT???

Yeah, just let that sink in...

The brain is composed of many complex parts but just to break it down it essentially is composed of three main parts:

1. Neurons

2. Support cells

3. Synapses

The important thing to know is that when a new activity or experience occurs, it can result in a strengthening of the connection between neurons or even in a new connection all together. 

Therefore, when you have sex for the first time connections are created in your brain that are linked to that person. Unfortunately, these connections will not die off. These connections are important for married couples, however, in unmarried couples- these sort of connections can alter your entire life. 

"The hardest breakup I had ever had was with the first person that I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don't think I'm over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I'm married now and I feel like it's a threesome in my heart. He is still here. It is like he is apart of me and I still can't get over him." -Jordi, 33 

Have you ever met someone who has been sexual active with someone but they just can't seem to let that person go? 

I've personally seen this in a lot of girls around my age. The guy could be a total dirt bag, but they keep crawling back, and the hurt is still there even years later.

They never knew that having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of their lives. 

Neurochemicals are released into the body during sexual activity that also play a huge part in sex between two partners.

Dopamine is one of the most important chemical messengers in the brain.

It makes a person feel good when he/she does something exciting. It makes us feel a need to repeat pleasurable, exciting, or rewarding acts. However, dopamine is values-neutral. It will reward for healthy and life-enhancing excitement, but it will also send the reward signal for unhealthy and destructive behavior. (excessive drinking, drugs, smoking, ect.)

Plus, sex is one of the strongest generators of the dopamine reward. Which allows for people (particularly seen in young people because dopamine levels reach peak in adolescence) to literally get hooked on unwise sexual behavior. 

A beneficial part of dopamine in marriage is that is makes the two almost "addicts" in having sex with one another.

Oxytocin is critically important to healthy sex and bonding.

Particularly evident in women, it is the key to bonding a mother and child during breast feeding. However, scientists have also discovered that is also plays a part in bonding between a man and woman during sexual activity. It helps to build trust that is essential in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, Oxytocin is also values-neutral. It cannot tell the difference between a one night stand or a life-long partner. 

Vasopressin is also critically important to healthy sex and bonding, but this neurochemical is more evident in males. It is the primary cause of males attaching to women after they have had close, intimate contact. Also,  it assists in creating trust as well as allowing a man to bond to his children. Vasopressin is also values-neutral.

Over time, if a person is having multiple sexual partners- it may be hard for them to feel attached to anyone. Their inability to bond after so many sexual partners is like a piece of tape that has lost it's stickiness. 

"I had no idea how having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of my life. I didn't really know what love was. By the time I got married, sex was so confusing for me. It has been a huge issue in our marriage and I don't know how to fix it." -Christie, 29

The brain is very involved in our decisions about sex and the actions that follow, far beyond what is apparent on the surface. 

After reading through all of this, I remember sitting in my bedroom and crying. I had thought that the church's teachings on sex were crap.  And that the church was the opposite of love and that they wanted to take my freedom away.

However, the church was only trying to establish guidelines for me to follow so that I did not get hurt. I was naive, clueless, and curious. Who knew that sex before marriage could alter the rest of someone's life?

If you are someone who has made mistakes in the past, I encourage you to read the next blog post which should be posted soon called "Courage."

Secondary Virginity and starting over will be discussed as well as how to work through those neurochemical bonds.

You are not alone.