Baggage Claim

No. No. No. Nope. Don't. Never. No.

That's all you hear.

Don't have sex. Wait until you're married. Conceal. Don't feel. 

Push all of your sexual desires down forever and ever amen.

But why?

Some big bad church is going to tell me that I can't have sex? 

Like that'll make me listen.

"Why not? I wore a condom. She said she wanted to. We're old enough and smart enough to make decisions for ourselves. I'm not a kid anymore."- Ryan, 16

In High School, I didn't understand. I was angry with church teachings about sex. I felt like the church was preventing me from being free, that they wanted to take away my freedom. 

Little did I know that my constant questioning of church teachings would lead me to stumble upon book after book talking about the SCIENCE of sex.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

What I began to read wasn't anything that I had heard before. 

They didn't tell me that sex could never be safe scientifically. 

Condoms? birth control? 

You can't use those on your brain.

(They also don't make condoms for your soul, but we can discuss that at a different time)

This information I began to collect rocked my soul to the core.

First of all, let's take a look at the brain. 

Your brain is the largest and most important sex organ of the body. 

WOAH WHAT???

Yeah, just let that sink in...

The brain is composed of many complex parts but just to break it down it essentially is composed of three main parts:

1. Neurons

2. Support cells

3. Synapses

The important thing to know is that when a new activity or experience occurs, it can result in a strengthening of the connection between neurons or even in a new connection all together. 

Therefore, when you have sex for the first time connections are created in your brain that are linked to that person. Unfortunately, these connections will not die off. These connections are important for married couples, however, in unmarried couples- these sort of connections can alter your entire life. 

"The hardest breakup I had ever had was with the first person that I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don't think I'm over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I'm married now and I feel like it's a threesome in my heart. He is still here. It is like he is apart of me and I still can't get over him." -Jordi, 33 

Have you ever met someone who has been sexual active with someone but they just can't seem to let that person go? 

I've personally seen this in a lot of girls around my age. The guy could be a total dirt bag, but they keep crawling back, and the hurt is still there even years later.

They never knew that having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of their lives. 

Neurochemicals are released into the body during sexual activity that also play a huge part in sex between two partners.

Dopamine is one of the most important chemical messengers in the brain.

It makes a person feel good when he/she does something exciting. It makes us feel a need to repeat pleasurable, exciting, or rewarding acts. However, dopamine is values-neutral. It will reward for healthy and life-enhancing excitement, but it will also send the reward signal for unhealthy and destructive behavior. (excessive drinking, drugs, smoking, ect.)

Plus, sex is one of the strongest generators of the dopamine reward. Which allows for people (particularly seen in young people because dopamine levels reach peak in adolescence) to literally get hooked on unwise sexual behavior. 

A beneficial part of dopamine in marriage is that is makes the two almost "addicts" in having sex with one another.

Oxytocin is critically important to healthy sex and bonding.

Particularly evident in women, it is the key to bonding a mother and child during breast feeding. However, scientists have also discovered that is also plays a part in bonding between a man and woman during sexual activity. It helps to build trust that is essential in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, Oxytocin is also values-neutral. It cannot tell the difference between a one night stand or a life-long partner. 

Vasopressin is also critically important to healthy sex and bonding, but this neurochemical is more evident in males. It is the primary cause of males attaching to women after they have had close, intimate contact. Also,  it assists in creating trust as well as allowing a man to bond to his children. Vasopressin is also values-neutral.

Over time, if a person is having multiple sexual partners- it may be hard for them to feel attached to anyone. Their inability to bond after so many sexual partners is like a piece of tape that has lost it's stickiness. 

"I had no idea how having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of my life. I didn't really know what love was. By the time I got married, sex was so confusing for me. It has been a huge issue in our marriage and I don't know how to fix it." -Christie, 29

The brain is very involved in our decisions about sex and the actions that follow, far beyond what is apparent on the surface. 

After reading through all of this, I remember sitting in my bedroom and crying. I had thought that the church's teachings on sex were crap.  And that the church was the opposite of love and that they wanted to take my freedom away.

However, the church was only trying to establish guidelines for me to follow so that I did not get hurt. I was naive, clueless, and curious. Who knew that sex before marriage could alter the rest of someone's life?

If you are someone who has made mistakes in the past, I encourage you to read the next blog post which should be posted soon called "Courage."

Secondary Virginity and starting over will be discussed as well as how to work through those neurochemical bonds.

You are not alone.