The Checklist

I've known countless girls that have taken pen and paper and written checklists full of qualities for their future spouse. It seems like a fun way to imagine who your future spouse may be...but unfortunately, that's not the case.

I had heard about these man-checklists from a few of my friends that suggested I write it after a had gone through a bad breakup.

It was therapeutic at first but then things got a bit out of hand. Before I knew it, my list was almost 3 pages of qualities that my future husband needed to have. I even had his hair and eye color picked out.

So, after months of searching, I found a guy that fit almost every quality on my list. I thought my search was over and I could hear the wedding bells in the future before I even know how to spell his last name.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us and I landed flat on my face. My "prince charming" rode off on his horse and I was ready to call the local animal shelter to start adopting cats for my doomed future.

Soon, my hope was restored and I found another guy that matched even MORE of the qualities on my list.  But it lasted for only a short period of time until, once again, things didn't work out with this guy either.

I think after that week some of the entries in my journal sounded like this;

"Dear Diary,

Today my boyfriend and I broke up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Also, God if you can read this- make sure You look at my checklist. 

Love, Coco"

I was pretty upset with God, if you couldn't tell. Why on earth would a loving God have brought me to a place in my life where I would have to suffer heart-ache? Wouldn't the God of the universe, who loved me more than anything, want to give His beloved daughter her heart's desire? Does He really want me to have cats?

Clearly, God didn't read my list- and I was ticked off.

After weeks of ice cream, boxes of tissues, and lots of praying- things became clear to me.

I had my heart broken, but I had been breaking God's heart all along.

I was looking to this list as hope for my future instead of looking to the One who was writing my love story. God already knew that i mistakenly thought that getting married would be my ultimate satisfaction in life.

The world has tricked us into believing that getting married and having a successful career should our main goal in life, while in actuality- heaven should be our main goal.

Sometimes we need to be patient and to let God have control.(Two things I really have trouble with) That doesn't mean we should make ourselves miserable in the meantime while waiting for our future spouse to come along. We need to be confident that God knows what He is doing.

In addition to that, keep in mind that no man or woman will ever be able to meet all of their spouses needs - that's God's job. If you start to depend on your future spouse or significant other as if they are God, I can promise that you will be severely disappointed. It's also really not fair to the other person to put all of that pressure on them. God is available to talk to all of the time plus He is compassionate, loving, and forgiving ALL of the time! You can't expect another human being to be God for you! It's impossible!

Marriage or having a boyfriend is not what gives meaning or worth to your life. It is not "the end" or the ultimate satisfying moment. That moment comes when you get to be with God in heaven. In marriage, both spouses help one another to get to heaven through love. So why wouldn't you want your spouse to be the one that God picked for you instead of the one that you imagined to be the perfect one in your head?

I don't know about you but I can hardly pick out what flavor chap-stick I want in Walmart without having a mental breakdown. Can you imagine me trying to choose my future spouse without some Divine assistance? With that said, I think it's best that we leave our love story to be written by the One who has it all planned out and perfectly timed.

Unfortunately, my cherished checklist warped my mind into thinking that it was normal to objectify men. 

I mean all my other friends were doing it, right?

Without realizing it, I had reduced men to a mere list of qualities. I used my checklist in the same manner that I would go shopping in a grocery store. Bread, milk, and eggs? More like tall, dark, and handsome.

The only difference was that my goal was a diamond ring and not the checkout line.

Making a checklist for your boyfriend or future spouse objectifies men and reduces them to parts/qualities. Shallow, right? After making my checklist, I started to see men as a list of qualities instead of as the wonderful creations that they are. I was so concerned with finding "The chosen one" that I was missing out on memorable friendships because I didn't want to have anything to do with guys that I knew I wouldn't want to marry in the future. Sad, right? But can you blame me? 

Sometimes we forget that men have so much more to offer than just a marriage relationship. They can be wonderful friends, listeners, and just overall awesome! 

I don't want to confuse anyone so I want to make a point that having a checklist is very different from having standards. Having standards would be like not eating out of the dumpster because you know it is not good for you. It can also be compared to not buying broken eggs at the store. Standards are what keep you from settling for anything less than what you know you deserve. When you have standards you'll find that boys will disappear but men will step up to meet those standards.

For example;

Standards: Strong in the faith, has the same morals as me, chaste, is a gentleman, in the process of/wants to get a degree, sees my value and worth, treats me with respect,  ...ect.

Checklist: likes vanilla ice cream, likes the same TV shows as me, really handsome, has a 6-pack of abs, has green eyes, likes to play video games, likes dogs

Standards allow you to find a good and whole some person that you would be interested in giving a chance. 

After this realization, I burned my checklist and stuck to my standards that were on my heart. And ya know what?

 I'll never make another checklist for my future spouse. I had idolized my precious checklist instead of letting God's plan be revealed slowly to me. It was a mistake, but the best thing about life is that we have time to learn from our mistakes. And God can make us new. You just need to ask.

I am FAR from perfect, and I'd like to share with you a prayer that I pray daily in hopes that if you need to be made new, you'll create your own personalized prayer. (Or you can just use this one)

"God, I've made some mistakes lately. But I know that you can turn my scars into diamonds and my ashes into something beautiful. Teach me how to love You more. Lead me to You and make me new. Amen."