I hate my body.

I can sit in a room full of girls and easily tell each and every one of them that they are all beautiful, perfect, and that God loves them.

Recently, I tried saying the same thing to myself in the mirror. Just to see if I would believe it...and i didn't.

I hear it all of the time. But do I REALLY believe it?

Honestly, I don't.

"Coco, you look gorgeous today!"

"Thank you."

I'll take the compliment, but do I believe it? Do I know just how beautiful I am?

I was trying to think about how long I haven't thought of myself as beautiful and I couldn't remember until one night  my ten year old sister asked me a question.

She tiptoed into my room with her head hung low, "Coco?" She looked down at her feet.
"Yes Gabby?"
Then she glanced back up at me, "Am I fat?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well ya know. Fat. Ugly. Am I ugly?" Her eyes welled up with tears.
"What?? Of course not Gabby! You are so beautiful! Why would you think you were fat?"
"Because I don't look like the other girls at school. Everyone likes them. They're skinny and pretty. I'm just...well I'm just Gabby."

It broke my heart. My sister was suffering from the same thoughts that I was suffering with. 

Am I beautiful?

Am I worth being pursued?

Am I loved?

Am I pretty?

What the media portrays as beautiful is impossible to live up to...because it's altered by a computer.

And by comparing ourselves to the other women around us- it's like we are covering ourselves in mud and wondering why we are dirty.

I was always too fat, too skinny, too tall, too curvy, too funny, too serious.... I was never just me. I've spent most of my life taking the critiques that other people give me and trying to make myself perfect.

"Coco, sometimes I think that you need to be a little more serious."

Oh okay, I'll work on that. But then weeks down the road another person says,

"Coco, sometimes I think you need to loosen up."

But...I just...I...

Instead of trying to be myself I ended up trying to make myself into a person that people would prefer.

Every time I went out to eat with my friends, I would glance around at the girls at other tables.

I wish I had her pretty blue eyes, the blonde girl's hair, her smile, that skinny girl's figure, that funny personality...

I started playing this game everywhere that I went. I wanted to take all of the perfect pieces of all of these other girls and make myself into this super-woman. Then I would be happy, right?

However, the only thing that I could think about during those years of me trying to piece together this super-woman over this woman that God had already created was that I hated myself.

I hated my body.

I hated the way my face looked.

I hated my personality.

I hated my skin, hair, and eye color.

How could I love myself when I never could BE myself? The world was always asking me to change! 

I was never happy trying to make everyone else happy.

Recently, I was sitting in my room and I began to think about all of the things that I liked about myself and I said them out loud. Now, I'm sure it sounds conceited- but when you've spent years worrying about what everyone else thought- it was entirely strange to ask myself what I thought.

It started out pretty vague.

"I think my hair is nice."

"my teeth are clean."

Now I was just stating the obvious..really? My teeth are clean? But what about them makes them special and totally uniquely MY teeth? What do I like about them?

"I like how white and straight my teeth are. I like the way I smile."

Boom. There it was. That was probably the nicest thing I had said to myself in years.

"I like the way I smile."

YES! PROGRESS!

It inspired me to keep going and I ended up writing them down as I went.

Needless to say, I was crying. I was shaking too. I was finally liking stuff about myself, and it felt...really good.

So, I continued extensively, all the way to my organs!

"I like the way my heart beats. I like how big my heart is and how many people fill it up. My favorite spot is the one that God hangs out in."

Soon, I finished the list. I felt alive, I felt new... I FELT FREE! 

But did that cure me of my thoughts forever? Unfortunately not. 

Occasionally, I get really down on myself (as do many other girls all over the world).

It isn't easy to overcome these sort of thoughts. You have to take baby steps. But every time I start feeling down or it's that time of the month and my pants don't fit which puts into a crying rampage- I stop and think of the things I like about myself. 

Pieces of me that are unique, unlike anything that any other girl has and I say that I like those things. 

Now, I am concentrating on saying that I LOVE those things. Which has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life because it brings up so much insecurity and pain that has been held in for all of these years. It's like this painful Pandora's box of feelings that are really difficult to cope with. Truthfully, I wish I could just bury those feelings and keep painting a smile on my face...but I can't. My insecurities are silent at times, but at other times they can affect my relationships with friends or family. So I'm working on it. 

I'm working on being confident, I'm working on my list, and I'm working on believing that I'm beautiful.

But you know what the best part is? 

I know that God is by my side working on all of those things too. When stuff is too painful for me to deal with at the moment- I give it to Him.

"Dad, I can't take this right now. I'm not strong enough to sort through this just yet...can you hold it for awhile until I'm ready?"

When He knows that I am ready, He gives it back. But even if I break down into tears and I just can't see myself overcoming something-He's still there to work me through it. Step by step.

And I know that He will turn my scars into diamonds.

Not only that, but when God made me- He made me special. I know what you're thinking "He made EVERYONE SPECIAL which doesn't really make you that special."

No, it still makes me just as special plus it's amazing that everyone is totally unique.

When God made me, He crafted me in the palm of His hand with SO much love! And He didn't just say "This is good." Like He did when he made the plants and the flowers and the world, but He said "This is VERY good."

Me? VERY good? Not even just regular 'ole good? 

Go and look at all of the beautiful nature outside when you get the chance. Pick a flower and jut look at it. Think of all of the beautiful things about that flower. The delicate petals, the color, the smell, the way it dances in the wind. Then remember that God said that that beautiful, perfect flower was good. 

But YOU. Psh. YOU ARE VERY GOOD!

So maybe you're thinking that if you make a list you will think that you're beautiful and REALLY believe it?

You might. So try it. It's something that I can absolutely recommend. But be patient with yourself! Do not expect to believe that you are beautiful the next day. (but if you do- PRAISE GOD!)

That wasn't my case. I've been working on this for several years, but everyday it gets better. 

Another piece of advice that I can give you is to stop pleasing other people. Which is very difficult because it is in our human nature to want to be loved, to fit in, to feel included. So many people desire that!

But when you begin to compromise your originality and your own thoughts to become like someone else, you begin to lose who you really are.

So fill yourself up with good thoughts. YOUR thoughts. Stick post-it notes all over the place that will remind you how beautiful and special you are. Put them in your bathroom, in the car, on your dog, where ever! Or you can have a close friend do it so you're surprised. 

Work through that insecurity and pain, be patient, and remember that it's between you and God.

I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa

Courage

You wake up in the morning, groggy. You wipe your eyes with your hands, stand up, and proceed in the direction of the bathroom. You catch a glance at the mirror hanging on the wall. You hardly recognize yourself. Ever since...well ya know. 

But sex is just apart of growing up- right? You're an adult when you have sex, right? 

Still looking in the mirror you hear a little voice whisper in your heart, 

"What have you done?"

You turn away from the mirror, unable to even look at yourself. 

"What have you done?"

I mean you both said it was okay...you just got lost in the heat of the moment...

"What have you done?"

You can't take it anymore. You rush into the bathroom, plug your i-pod into the speakers on the counter and turn the volume all the way up. There. That'll quiet that whisper you keep hearing.

You turn on the shower in an attempt to wash yourself of your mistakes. 

But no matter how many showers you take- that same feeling and pain never goes away.

You still wake up feeling dirty.

What if the shame of past mistakes never stop?

"After I lost my virginity I didn't respect myself, and one empty relationship led to another. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted the perfect love, but after all I had done I thought I was the last person on earth to deserve it. Eventually, I realized that finding a good guy wasn't a matter of luck. After starting over, I raised my standards, and made a commitment to chastity. Now, three years later-and engaged- I haven't regretted a day since." - Crystal Evert

So what happens next? Is it too late? Is your brain permanently molded and there is no hope for a happy future? Unfortunately, no one can change what has happened in the past. What's done is done. But regardless of what happened last week or last year, you are still worth waiting for. Maybe you lost your virginity or maybe it was taken from you, either way you still have yourself to give.

It's time to start a new chapter. 

1. Reclaim your virginity.

This is sometimes called "secondary virginity" and can be done by changing your behavior and setting new standards in future relationships. It is more than just saying "no" to sex. It includes changing your entire lifestyle. And trust me, a lot of people will be shocked by such a change. However, in the long run, it will be worth it. By making the choice to wait until you are married to have sex, you are saying YES to love and you're thinking about your future husband. Another option with secondary virginity which I personally am a fan of is buying a white candle. It sounds sort of cheesy but you can give the white candle to your husband on your wedding night to show that you may not be a virgin, or entirely pure- but at some point in your life, you starting thinking about him and chose to make a change in your life for him. 

Most importantly, in your heart- forgive those who have hurt you and forgive yourself! 

2. Avoid difficult situations

This could mean avoiding a party or group of people that are involved in sexual activity. I know it sounds sort of harsh but once you make the decision to stay a virgin, it will be very tempting to fall back into those old patterns. So it is very important that you surround yourself with people who will help you with your decision instead of trying to tempt you back to your old ways. Be sure to find supportive and loving friends who will remind you of the new goal that you have made. 

3. Work through your past

I understand that many young girls and guys may not have chosen to give up their virginity and instead it was taken from them. Scenarios like those absolutely break my heart and tears me to pieces. So for those of you who are reading this and that is your pain that you carry with you daily- know that there is hope. You may be left with the painful psychological scars of sexual abuse or manipulation and are working to try to become whole again and i applaud you. It is all about working through the past and looking, with your chin up, to the future. 

Please understand that none of these scenarios have an easy button. None of them are easy. It is not easy to change yourself, and the path will be very difficult. 

However, if you want love to be as good as it gets- you have to persevere. You have everything to gain, and you will have NO more regrets. You know why?

It's because purity knows no regrets.

In an age where it seems that everything is pointed towards instant gratification- chastity proclaims a challenge of sacrifice and patience. Plus, God would never call us to a lifestyle that was impossible. He gives us the grace to live it out! 

The devil promises much but gives nothing. 

So turn away from what the world promises you- because those promises are all empty and will never make you feel whole. 

Most importantly, living purity will heal your past. 

So, in closing, I challenge you to have the courage to change your life now. YES! TODAY! Think about your future wife or husband and make a change. I would never want to bring myself to the man that I love and give him the scraps or my purity that every guy that I had been with had their way with. When you love someone you want to give them the BEST of everything- including yourself.

If you have any questions or comments- don't hesitate to e-mail me at mycupofcoco@gmail.com

Baggage Claim

No. No. No. Nope. Don't. Never. No.

That's all you hear.

Don't have sex. Wait until you're married. Conceal. Don't feel. 

Push all of your sexual desires down forever and ever amen.

But why?

Some big bad church is going to tell me that I can't have sex? 

Like that'll make me listen.

"Why not? I wore a condom. She said she wanted to. We're old enough and smart enough to make decisions for ourselves. I'm not a kid anymore."- Ryan, 16

In High School, I didn't understand. I was angry with church teachings about sex. I felt like the church was preventing me from being free, that they wanted to take away my freedom. 

Little did I know that my constant questioning of church teachings would lead me to stumble upon book after book talking about the SCIENCE of sex.

Yes, you heard me correctly.

What I began to read wasn't anything that I had heard before. 

They didn't tell me that sex could never be safe scientifically. 

Condoms? birth control? 

You can't use those on your brain.

(They also don't make condoms for your soul, but we can discuss that at a different time)

This information I began to collect rocked my soul to the core.

First of all, let's take a look at the brain. 

Your brain is the largest and most important sex organ of the body. 

WOAH WHAT???

Yeah, just let that sink in...

The brain is composed of many complex parts but just to break it down it essentially is composed of three main parts:

1. Neurons

2. Support cells

3. Synapses

The important thing to know is that when a new activity or experience occurs, it can result in a strengthening of the connection between neurons or even in a new connection all together. 

Therefore, when you have sex for the first time connections are created in your brain that are linked to that person. Unfortunately, these connections will not die off. These connections are important for married couples, however, in unmarried couples- these sort of connections can alter your entire life. 

"The hardest breakup I had ever had was with the first person that I had sex with. Fifteen years later, I still don't think I'm over him. I still dream about him and think about him and compare every guy since then to him. I'm married now and I feel like it's a threesome in my heart. He is still here. It is like he is apart of me and I still can't get over him." -Jordi, 33 

Have you ever met someone who has been sexual active with someone but they just can't seem to let that person go? 

I've personally seen this in a lot of girls around my age. The guy could be a total dirt bag, but they keep crawling back, and the hurt is still there even years later.

They never knew that having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of their lives. 

Neurochemicals are released into the body during sexual activity that also play a huge part in sex between two partners.

Dopamine is one of the most important chemical messengers in the brain.

It makes a person feel good when he/she does something exciting. It makes us feel a need to repeat pleasurable, exciting, or rewarding acts. However, dopamine is values-neutral. It will reward for healthy and life-enhancing excitement, but it will also send the reward signal for unhealthy and destructive behavior. (excessive drinking, drugs, smoking, ect.)

Plus, sex is one of the strongest generators of the dopamine reward. Which allows for people (particularly seen in young people because dopamine levels reach peak in adolescence) to literally get hooked on unwise sexual behavior. 

A beneficial part of dopamine in marriage is that is makes the two almost "addicts" in having sex with one another.

Oxytocin is critically important to healthy sex and bonding.

Particularly evident in women, it is the key to bonding a mother and child during breast feeding. However, scientists have also discovered that is also plays a part in bonding between a man and woman during sexual activity. It helps to build trust that is essential in a healthy relationship. Unfortunately, Oxytocin is also values-neutral. It cannot tell the difference between a one night stand or a life-long partner. 

Vasopressin is also critically important to healthy sex and bonding, but this neurochemical is more evident in males. It is the primary cause of males attaching to women after they have had close, intimate contact. Also,  it assists in creating trust as well as allowing a man to bond to his children. Vasopressin is also values-neutral.

Over time, if a person is having multiple sexual partners- it may be hard for them to feel attached to anyone. Their inability to bond after so many sexual partners is like a piece of tape that has lost it's stickiness. 

"I had no idea how having sex as a teenager could affect the rest of my life. I didn't really know what love was. By the time I got married, sex was so confusing for me. It has been a huge issue in our marriage and I don't know how to fix it." -Christie, 29

The brain is very involved in our decisions about sex and the actions that follow, far beyond what is apparent on the surface. 

After reading through all of this, I remember sitting in my bedroom and crying. I had thought that the church's teachings on sex were crap.  And that the church was the opposite of love and that they wanted to take my freedom away.

However, the church was only trying to establish guidelines for me to follow so that I did not get hurt. I was naive, clueless, and curious. Who knew that sex before marriage could alter the rest of someone's life?

If you are someone who has made mistakes in the past, I encourage you to read the next blog post which should be posted soon called "Courage."

Secondary Virginity and starting over will be discussed as well as how to work through those neurochemical bonds.

You are not alone.