With Scars That Sparkle

Atelophobia is the fear of not being good enough. And if you are anything close to human, I’m sure you have wrestled with this fear at some point in your lifetime. The idea of being alone and rejected from society is one of the leading reasons why we function in the manner that we do. 

But it isn’t our fault.

From the time we are young, the world has told us to hide what we don’t like about ourselves. It has told us to hide our fears and imperfections. 

But why?

To be universally accepted…to be considered beautiful or strong by others.  

But is beauty or strength really rooted in hiding?

If you hide your imperfections, are you truly beautiful? 

If you hide and suppress the issues of your past mistakes, are you really strong?

I know I’m not the only one who spends so much time trying to be someone else.

I want others to see me as a strong, beautiful woman. But I have been going about it all the wrong way. I have been hiding. I have been hiding the real me. 

Why?

In all honesty, it’s because I don’t like the real me. The real me is a woman that has depression, anxiety, and an anything but clean past record. Why would I EVER want to reveal her to others? If I don’t like myself how can I expect others to like me?

I’d like to share a story with you.

About five months ago I was struggling with my anxiety and depression among many other things and I got to a point where I was fed up. I was done struggling with myself and I was ready to give up on everything. I wanted to drop off of the face of the earth. I figured, who could ever love someone like me? Who would ever be able to love someone with a past like mine? With panic attacks or with depression? Who really in their right mind would ever want to tolerate me for the rest of their lives? I was suffering every day without a purpose. I would wake up, have a panic attack and spend the rest of the day upset with myself and depressed because I feared that no one would love me. I remember asking, “God…where are you?” all day long and still feeling totally alone. I honestly felt like I was dying. So one morning I got up and I dragged myself to a church to meet with one of my favorite priests to tell him that I was leaving.

“Father, I came to tell you that I’m leaving.”

“Where will you be going?”

“Just away from here. I can’t be around people anymore, no one will love me as myself and I don’t want to pretend anymore. I feel like I’m dying.”

“Dying, huh? Let’s sit and have a chat.”

We sat and talked and I told him everything and then he asked me what I thought would be a solution to all of this.

“Father, I need anointing of the sick because I am dying.” (Meanwhile in my head I was thinking, ‘Oh my gosh, did I just say that???’)

“Okay. I agree. Meet me back here tomorrow and you will receive the sacrament.”

Anointing of the sick is usually a sacrament given to those who are deathly ill and is uncommonly given to those who aren't a few days from death's door.

 I was excited, yet scared —but I went ahead and met with him the next day and received the sacrament. 

That is when everything changed.

By the grace of God, I was able to see my struggles as strengths. My strength was not rooted in hiding those struggles, but in utilizing them to better the world around me. It was NEVER about me. The ways in which we suffer are never only about us. It is about the community around us.

 I will use anxiety and depression as my two examples. My anxiety, although it is a huge burden in MY life, it has been a blessing to those around me. I have high levels of adrenaline in my body because of my anxiety—allowing me to get multiple jobs done faster and more efficiently for others compared to if I did not have anxiety to give me that extra boost. My depression wears me down every day, but it allows me to connect with others that also have depression in a special way. I have been in their shoes before so it’s easier for me to really understand when they share their struggles with me. I can offer them practical advice that I have tried before and let them know that they are not alone in the struggle with depression.

How do you live as truly you?

It requires you to befriend your true self and to bring your true self home. This is a true act of courage because in bringing your true self home, it will require you to also befriend your imperfections. A task that is mountain-high for many of us. But when you begin to recognize that your imperfections can become your strengths, it will allow you to bring authentic beauty into the world. As we begin to recognize our imperfections and discover how to use them for good or to assist others in this life, a seed of beauty is planted in our hearts. As we begin to grow and learn in this life, that seed grows. We become more beautiful and the fruit that we bear from that plant is love. Then, that love takes our imperfections and triumphs over them transforming them into strengths. Once that seed is planted, we begin to radiate love and beauty because our imperfections become our strengths instead of burdens. 

 As we recognize our weaknesses and triumph over them, our hearts are transformed. When you discover that your true self is good and beautiful, you will discover Jesus in you. I did not feel Jesus in those times of suffering because I was suppressing and denying my imperfections in a battle with myself. 

Where you are most human and the weakest, there, Jesus lives. 

 That is where you will find Him, and when you bring your true self home, you bring Jesus home.

The greatest act of strength and beauty is to be and own all that you are.

Without apology.

Without excuses.

Without any masks to cover the truth of who you are.

I challenge you to bring your brokenness and not to hide or suppress what you consider to be your imperfections. As you begin to befriend your WHOLE self (including your imperfections) you will find that life will get MUCH easier and much more meaningful. 

When you live each day knowing that 

the scars that you carry around on your heart are diamonds, 

life has a different meaning.

Love Always, 

Coco

A Thank-You to My Exes.

If any of you have been there for the anguish that my exes have caused me, you were probably a little confused as to why exactly I am extending a public thank-you to them. As if the countless number of break-ups, tears, break-downs, and nights when I forced my friends to watch all the Men in Black movies (it’s my go to sad-time movie) with me weren’t enough to make me want to forget every failed relationship that I’ve ever had…

Yet here I am.

Dear ex-boyfriends,

Thank you for failing me. Thank you for treating me in ways that I didn’t deserve to be treated. Most importantly, thank you for showing me how human you are.

Love Always, Coco

My past relationships failed for various reasons but to put it simply- it usually involved the shortcomings of both parties that led to the end of most of them. I could sit here and bash my exes, but that would be absolutely ridiculous. So if you clicked on this blog expecting that, I’m sure Buzzfeed has something you can occupy your mind with.

As for the rest of you, let’s chat.

Why on earth am I thanking these men?

Because their failures helped bring me to the most treasured part of my life. Their failures as men (and as human beings in general) helped me grow and get to a point in my life where I came to a HUGE realization that impacted my entire future.

There were countless nights where I cried myself to sleep over these guys, wishing that heart-ache wouldn’t hurt so bad. If you’re anything like me, then you know what I’m talking about when I say that I “thought they were the one.” They weren’t. But what girl wouldn’t desire a man (I’m talking about a REAL man) to pursue her? That was my issue. I wanted to be desirable. I wanted to be pursued so I was willing to do anything to make these guys WANT to pursue me. I guess you could say I was “thirsty.”

Here’s the real kicker though: I was already being pursued. I was being pursued that entire time. But I was too blind to see it. I had love-drunk glasses on and I was headed in the wrong direction. Each relationship brought me through a roller coaster of emotions. It went from fighting to love to bliss to hate… my relationships were all over the place.

Was there something wrong with me? Was I not desirable?

It wasn’t until recently that I jumped off of my relationship roller coaster and landed on the ground that I REALLY had a taste of reality. I didn’t ever want to get back on that roller coaster. But I knew that I was missing something. So I started searching.

I searched through the rubble of my past relationships, through the memories that now broke my heart, and through the pain of my past mistakes. That’s when I found it.

My treasured space.

It’s a spot in my heart that nothing else can fill, no man can degrade it, no past mistake can destroy it… it’s originally and perfectly mine.

This spot is where Jesus resides.

Can you believe it took me years to find this place? But now it is my treasured spot. The part of my heart that is in constant communication with Jesus.

How did I find it? I listened. It took me a long time to figure out what I was missing, that this emptiness that I had been feeling and this desire to be loved and pursued by someone were the result of not seeing the One that had been there all along. Jesus was pursuing me, every day, every hour, every moment. But I was too concerned about finding “the one” to see that THE ONLY ONE I NEEDED was right beside me the entire time.

So what on earth do my past relationships have to do with Jesus?

My past relationships helped to perfect my relationship with Jesus.

I’m sorry. What, come again???

You heard me.

The failures of my past relationships brought me closer to Jesus. The ways in which those men failed me helped me to come to the realization that Jesus is PERFECT. All of the pain that my past relationships caused me brought me to what I call my treasure. Because falling in love with Jesus and having a relationship with Him IS the most treasured part of my life. Nothing brings me greater joy or satisfaction in this world than knowing that I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me. I never have to wonder if the love we share is mutual, I never have to read into his text messages to see if He's interested or not. I KNOW Jesus is interested in me. The Bible is literally Jesus's love letter to me, and to ALL OF US!

Jesus satisfies my heart in a way that no being on earth will ever be capable of, which is why I suggest that we all strive to make Him our Lover. I used a capital L because while boyfriends may come and go, Jesus will always be my number one man. While I may have other "lovers" (as weird as that sounds), Jesus is my permanent Love. But I can't brag about MY love for Jesus, because I fail Him every day. I'm not even close to perfect, but thankfully I learn something new every day in my relationship with Jesus. YES. I SAID RELATIONSHIP.

Having faith is a relationship. If you love someone you’re going to want to communicate with them, spend time with them, and share a huge part of your life with them. Now think about how much you love Jesus… uhh, wouldn’t you want to do all of that stuff with Him, too? Religion isn’t a “just on Sunday” sort of a thing—it’s an every moment thing.

So would I go back and change anything in those relationships?

Of course. I wish I would have led those guys closer to God and challenged them to be men. But thankfully God can turn anything broken into something beautiful. He’s working on those men because I know He hears my prayers for them every day. Besides, if He can transform and heal a woman that is as stubborn as I am, then I can say with full confidence that nothing is impossible for Him.

If you’re someone who is suffering from guilt of past relationships or just from your past in general, give it to Jesus. Don’t starve yourself from the love and freedom that comes with surrendering your past to God. I promise you that it is amazing. And I challenge you to try to see the positive in your past. Think about where God was in all of those moments, maybe in all of those failed relationships, or those late night mistakes. I want you to think about any positive outcome that may have come out of it. Even if it’s just simply that you learned from your mistakes.

Thank your exes. Leave the past behind. The future is full of love that will set you free.

The Checklist

I've known countless girls that have taken pen and paper and written checklists full of qualities for their future spouse. It seems like a fun way to imagine who your future spouse may be...but unfortunately, that's not the case.

I had heard about these man-checklists from a few of my friends that suggested I write it after a had gone through a bad breakup.

It was therapeutic at first but then things got a bit out of hand. Before I knew it, my list was almost 3 pages of qualities that my future husband needed to have. I even had his hair and eye color picked out.

So, after months of searching, I found a guy that fit almost every quality on my list. I thought my search was over and I could hear the wedding bells in the future before I even know how to spell his last name.

Unfortunately, things didn't work out between us and I landed flat on my face. My "prince charming" rode off on his horse and I was ready to call the local animal shelter to start adopting cats for my doomed future.

Soon, my hope was restored and I found another guy that matched even MORE of the qualities on my list.  But it lasted for only a short period of time until, once again, things didn't work out with this guy either.

I think after that week some of the entries in my journal sounded like this;

"Dear Diary,

Today my boyfriend and I broke up.

Is there something wrong with me?

Also, God if you can read this- make sure You look at my checklist. 

Love, Coco"

I was pretty upset with God, if you couldn't tell. Why on earth would a loving God have brought me to a place in my life where I would have to suffer heart-ache? Wouldn't the God of the universe, who loved me more than anything, want to give His beloved daughter her heart's desire? Does He really want me to have cats?

Clearly, God didn't read my list- and I was ticked off.

After weeks of ice cream, boxes of tissues, and lots of praying- things became clear to me.

I had my heart broken, but I had been breaking God's heart all along.

I was looking to this list as hope for my future instead of looking to the One who was writing my love story. God already knew that i mistakenly thought that getting married would be my ultimate satisfaction in life.

The world has tricked us into believing that getting married and having a successful career should our main goal in life, while in actuality- heaven should be our main goal.

Sometimes we need to be patient and to let God have control.(Two things I really have trouble with) That doesn't mean we should make ourselves miserable in the meantime while waiting for our future spouse to come along. We need to be confident that God knows what He is doing.

In addition to that, keep in mind that no man or woman will ever be able to meet all of their spouses needs - that's God's job. If you start to depend on your future spouse or significant other as if they are God, I can promise that you will be severely disappointed. It's also really not fair to the other person to put all of that pressure on them. God is available to talk to all of the time plus He is compassionate, loving, and forgiving ALL of the time! You can't expect another human being to be God for you! It's impossible!

Marriage or having a boyfriend is not what gives meaning or worth to your life. It is not "the end" or the ultimate satisfying moment. That moment comes when you get to be with God in heaven. In marriage, both spouses help one another to get to heaven through love. So why wouldn't you want your spouse to be the one that God picked for you instead of the one that you imagined to be the perfect one in your head?

I don't know about you but I can hardly pick out what flavor chap-stick I want in Walmart without having a mental breakdown. Can you imagine me trying to choose my future spouse without some Divine assistance? With that said, I think it's best that we leave our love story to be written by the One who has it all planned out and perfectly timed.

Unfortunately, my cherished checklist warped my mind into thinking that it was normal to objectify men. 

I mean all my other friends were doing it, right?

Without realizing it, I had reduced men to a mere list of qualities. I used my checklist in the same manner that I would go shopping in a grocery store. Bread, milk, and eggs? More like tall, dark, and handsome.

The only difference was that my goal was a diamond ring and not the checkout line.

Making a checklist for your boyfriend or future spouse objectifies men and reduces them to parts/qualities. Shallow, right? After making my checklist, I started to see men as a list of qualities instead of as the wonderful creations that they are. I was so concerned with finding "The chosen one" that I was missing out on memorable friendships because I didn't want to have anything to do with guys that I knew I wouldn't want to marry in the future. Sad, right? But can you blame me? 

Sometimes we forget that men have so much more to offer than just a marriage relationship. They can be wonderful friends, listeners, and just overall awesome! 

I don't want to confuse anyone so I want to make a point that having a checklist is very different from having standards. Having standards would be like not eating out of the dumpster because you know it is not good for you. It can also be compared to not buying broken eggs at the store. Standards are what keep you from settling for anything less than what you know you deserve. When you have standards you'll find that boys will disappear but men will step up to meet those standards.

For example;

Standards: Strong in the faith, has the same morals as me, chaste, is a gentleman, in the process of/wants to get a degree, sees my value and worth, treats me with respect,  ...ect.

Checklist: likes vanilla ice cream, likes the same TV shows as me, really handsome, has a 6-pack of abs, has green eyes, likes to play video games, likes dogs

Standards allow you to find a good and whole some person that you would be interested in giving a chance. 

After this realization, I burned my checklist and stuck to my standards that were on my heart. And ya know what?

 I'll never make another checklist for my future spouse. I had idolized my precious checklist instead of letting God's plan be revealed slowly to me. It was a mistake, but the best thing about life is that we have time to learn from our mistakes. And God can make us new. You just need to ask.

I am FAR from perfect, and I'd like to share with you a prayer that I pray daily in hopes that if you need to be made new, you'll create your own personalized prayer. (Or you can just use this one)

"God, I've made some mistakes lately. But I know that you can turn my scars into diamonds and my ashes into something beautiful. Teach me how to love You more. Lead me to You and make me new. Amen."