I hate my body.

I can sit in a room full of girls and easily tell each and every one of them that they are all beautiful, perfect, and that God loves them.

Recently, I tried saying the same thing to myself in the mirror. Just to see if I would believe it...and i didn't.

I hear it all of the time. But do I REALLY believe it?

Honestly, I don't.

"Coco, you look gorgeous today!"

"Thank you."

I'll take the compliment, but do I believe it? Do I know just how beautiful I am?

I was trying to think about how long I haven't thought of myself as beautiful and I couldn't remember until one night  my ten year old sister asked me a question.

She tiptoed into my room with her head hung low, "Coco?" She looked down at her feet.
"Yes Gabby?"
Then she glanced back up at me, "Am I fat?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well ya know. Fat. Ugly. Am I ugly?" Her eyes welled up with tears.
"What?? Of course not Gabby! You are so beautiful! Why would you think you were fat?"
"Because I don't look like the other girls at school. Everyone likes them. They're skinny and pretty. I'm just...well I'm just Gabby."

It broke my heart. My sister was suffering from the same thoughts that I was suffering with. 

Am I beautiful?

Am I worth being pursued?

Am I loved?

Am I pretty?

What the media portrays as beautiful is impossible to live up to...because it's altered by a computer.

And by comparing ourselves to the other women around us- it's like we are covering ourselves in mud and wondering why we are dirty.

I was always too fat, too skinny, too tall, too curvy, too funny, too serious.... I was never just me. I've spent most of my life taking the critiques that other people give me and trying to make myself perfect.

"Coco, sometimes I think that you need to be a little more serious."

Oh okay, I'll work on that. But then weeks down the road another person says,

"Coco, sometimes I think you need to loosen up."

But...I just...I...

Instead of trying to be myself I ended up trying to make myself into a person that people would prefer.

Every time I went out to eat with my friends, I would glance around at the girls at other tables.

I wish I had her pretty blue eyes, the blonde girl's hair, her smile, that skinny girl's figure, that funny personality...

I started playing this game everywhere that I went. I wanted to take all of the perfect pieces of all of these other girls and make myself into this super-woman. Then I would be happy, right?

However, the only thing that I could think about during those years of me trying to piece together this super-woman over this woman that God had already created was that I hated myself.

I hated my body.

I hated the way my face looked.

I hated my personality.

I hated my skin, hair, and eye color.

How could I love myself when I never could BE myself? The world was always asking me to change! 

I was never happy trying to make everyone else happy.

Recently, I was sitting in my room and I began to think about all of the things that I liked about myself and I said them out loud. Now, I'm sure it sounds conceited- but when you've spent years worrying about what everyone else thought- it was entirely strange to ask myself what I thought.

It started out pretty vague.

"I think my hair is nice."

"my teeth are clean."

Now I was just stating the obvious..really? My teeth are clean? But what about them makes them special and totally uniquely MY teeth? What do I like about them?

"I like how white and straight my teeth are. I like the way I smile."

Boom. There it was. That was probably the nicest thing I had said to myself in years.

"I like the way I smile."

YES! PROGRESS!

It inspired me to keep going and I ended up writing them down as I went.

Needless to say, I was crying. I was shaking too. I was finally liking stuff about myself, and it felt...really good.

So, I continued extensively, all the way to my organs!

"I like the way my heart beats. I like how big my heart is and how many people fill it up. My favorite spot is the one that God hangs out in."

Soon, I finished the list. I felt alive, I felt new... I FELT FREE! 

But did that cure me of my thoughts forever? Unfortunately not. 

Occasionally, I get really down on myself (as do many other girls all over the world).

It isn't easy to overcome these sort of thoughts. You have to take baby steps. But every time I start feeling down or it's that time of the month and my pants don't fit which puts into a crying rampage- I stop and think of the things I like about myself. 

Pieces of me that are unique, unlike anything that any other girl has and I say that I like those things. 

Now, I am concentrating on saying that I LOVE those things. Which has been one of the most difficult things I have ever done in my life because it brings up so much insecurity and pain that has been held in for all of these years. It's like this painful Pandora's box of feelings that are really difficult to cope with. Truthfully, I wish I could just bury those feelings and keep painting a smile on my face...but I can't. My insecurities are silent at times, but at other times they can affect my relationships with friends or family. So I'm working on it. 

I'm working on being confident, I'm working on my list, and I'm working on believing that I'm beautiful.

But you know what the best part is? 

I know that God is by my side working on all of those things too. When stuff is too painful for me to deal with at the moment- I give it to Him.

"Dad, I can't take this right now. I'm not strong enough to sort through this just yet...can you hold it for awhile until I'm ready?"

When He knows that I am ready, He gives it back. But even if I break down into tears and I just can't see myself overcoming something-He's still there to work me through it. Step by step.

And I know that He will turn my scars into diamonds.

Not only that, but when God made me- He made me special. I know what you're thinking "He made EVERYONE SPECIAL which doesn't really make you that special."

No, it still makes me just as special plus it's amazing that everyone is totally unique.

When God made me, He crafted me in the palm of His hand with SO much love! And He didn't just say "This is good." Like He did when he made the plants and the flowers and the world, but He said "This is VERY good."

Me? VERY good? Not even just regular 'ole good? 

Go and look at all of the beautiful nature outside when you get the chance. Pick a flower and jut look at it. Think of all of the beautiful things about that flower. The delicate petals, the color, the smell, the way it dances in the wind. Then remember that God said that that beautiful, perfect flower was good. 

But YOU. Psh. YOU ARE VERY GOOD!

So maybe you're thinking that if you make a list you will think that you're beautiful and REALLY believe it?

You might. So try it. It's something that I can absolutely recommend. But be patient with yourself! Do not expect to believe that you are beautiful the next day. (but if you do- PRAISE GOD!)

That wasn't my case. I've been working on this for several years, but everyday it gets better. 

Another piece of advice that I can give you is to stop pleasing other people. Which is very difficult because it is in our human nature to want to be loved, to fit in, to feel included. So many people desire that!

But when you begin to compromise your originality and your own thoughts to become like someone else, you begin to lose who you really are.

So fill yourself up with good thoughts. YOUR thoughts. Stick post-it notes all over the place that will remind you how beautiful and special you are. Put them in your bathroom, in the car, on your dog, where ever! Or you can have a close friend do it so you're surprised. 

Work through that insecurity and pain, be patient, and remember that it's between you and God.

I'd like to leave you with one of my favorite quotes:

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."

-Mother Teresa